Mysterion's TRUE Identity
by Klinestife
Summary: When Cartman was trying to find out who Mysterion was, something Wendy said in the passing clicked in his mind. He was ever more determined to find out who Mysterion was, and when he does...he nearly dies from laughter. ONESHOT


**A/N: Yep, the first part of this fic is completely based on that scene in "The Coon" episode. I think that writing a scene is hard for some reason, and I think I did terribly on it. And yes, this is bad. I know. I really couldn't make it more detailed, mainly because its 2 in the f*cking morning!**

**EDIT: It's fucking great that the day after this, the identity is revelaaed to be Kenny. Oh well.**

**Mysterion**

Cartman walked down the hallway in fury. _That damned, overrated, son of a bitch Mysterion got away from me AGAIN!_ Cartman thought. He then proceeded to think murderous thoughts. He walked into an intersection of the hallways that was filled with boys packing up.

"_So,_ guys." He said, making his irritation plain. Everyone looked at him, confused. He saw token and Craig exchange looks that said, _fatass has lost it._ Cartman kept his "cool".

"Any of you do anything _interesting_ last night?" He asked. Stan decided to humor him.

"Not really." He said. _Aha!_ Cartman thought. _So it's Stan!_

"Really?" He sneered, turning to face Stan. Stan was staring at him with a blank look. "Nobody was playing with any _fireworks_?" He grabbed Stan's hand and gave it a thorough sniff. By now, Stan was officially creeped out.

"Dude, what the hell?" Stan asked nervously, yanking his hand away from him. Cartman looked away and scanned the rest of the boys, all of which were staring blankly at him. He looked around desperately, and then laid eyes on Kenny, who was taking a book out of his locker.

"AHA!" He yelled in triumph. "KENNY!" Kenny looked back. "I should've known." He jeered. Kenny's expression hadn't changed. Cartman went over and yanked his locker door open.

"Why do you have a picture of Mysterion in your locker, Kenny? UNLESS YOU ARE MYSTERION!" He shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Kenny. Kenny leaned back to avoid the finger, which nearly poked him in the eye.

"Dude, I have a picture of Mysterion in my locker too." Stan said bluntly, opening his locker door to reveal a picture of Mysterion. Cartman stared at it, confused.

"Yeah, so do I." Clyde said, revealing his picture, too. Cartman looked back and forth in fury.

"WHAT? Why?" He ran as fast as he could to Clyde's locker to examine it.

"I dunno, it just seems like a really cool costume." Clyde explained.

"What?" Cartman finally made it to the other side of the hallway. "It's not a cool costume!" Clyde backed off as Cartman's obesity took up his locker space. Cartman seemed infuriated at everyone's blank stare.

"He just wears his underwear over his butt-fucking PANTS!" He explained furiously. The others still didn't get how gay it looked. Cartman was mad now.

"Now, which one of you is it?" He yelled n frustration, pointing a finger at every boy standing around him. Just at that moment, Wendy was walking across the hallway to her next class. She couldn't help but overhear and passed a casual statement.

"How are you so sure Mysterion is a boy?" She said, not even looking at them. Every boy turned to look at her, including Cartman. Cartman was looking stunned at her comment. He gasped, dropping his Coon appreciation sign-ups.

"Fucking bitch…" He said, slowly walking to where Wendy was walking. He was so deep in thought; he hadn't noticed his finger was still pointing, at no one in particular. He looked down on the ground and knotted his brow, thinking.

-o-

"Shiiittt!" someone yelled below. Mysterion's attention was immediately diverted to the yell. Someone was in trouble, and needed help. Mysterion peeked over the edge of the roof. There were three people ganging up on one person. Such cowardice, if you are going to fight, do it one on one. Mysterion dropped down and struck a dramatic pose.

"Alright, why don't you just step away from him?" Mysterion suggested. One of the others turned around, and struck a taunting pose. Mysterion grabbed some firecrackers in anticipation of a fight, and stepped forward…straight into a trap. The three teenagers grinned as the trap grabbed Mysterion's legs, and hoisted the superhero into the air.

"That wasn't so tough." One of them commented. Mysterion's eyes widened as the one kid that was being beaten up came forward without a bruise on his face, or anywhere for that matter.

"Haha!" The Coon jeered. "Look at you now! You're worthless and I'll be the first one to-" One of the three interrupted him mid-rant.

"Hey, uh…you owe us 10 bucks." He said. The Coon looked over with an annoyed look.

"Yes, yes. Here you go." He said angrily, handing them each 10 dollars. They walked out the alley, talking between them as they did so. The Coon looked after them, muttering under his breath. Mysterion caught "fucking" and "cheap-ass" in his muttering.

"Screw it, no more ranting. Time to take off the mask, Mysterion." The Coon said with a grin.

"God dammi-"Mysterion began, cut off from the Coon's shocked look. _Oh shit, I forgot to mask my voice!_ Mysterion thought.

"Hang on, I know that voice…" The Coon said suspiciously. He made a grab for the hero's mask. Mysterion tried to dodge his hand, but failed miserably. The mask came off, and Mysterion shut his eyes, waiting for the pin to drop.

"Uuh…I can't really tell." The Coon muttered. "Hood off." The Coon grabbed the hood and pulled it down, releasing a long mane of black hair.

"What the fuck?" Coon yelled in shock, before falling to the ground, laughing hysterically.

"God dammit, Cartman!" Wendy yelled angrily, not bothering to try and mask her voice this time. Cartman didn't reply, he was too busy laughing his ass off.

"We-"He gasped for breath. "Wendy, you wear men's _underwear_-"He couldn't take it anymore. He rolled on the ground, laughing. Wendy's face was pure red, both from embarrassment and anger. Or, perhaps, the amount of blood that was rushing to her head due to being upside down for 5 minutes now.

"Cartman shut the fuck up and let me down!" She yelled angrily. Cartman heaved breaths in, trying not to deprive his body of too much oxygen. He was still chuckling as he used the claws on his fingers to cut the rope off, then looked at Wendy and started laughing his ass off again.

"Look, fatass." Wendy said angrily, as she readjusted her mask and hood. "You better not tell anyone, I already kicked your ass once-I can do it again." She grabbed a fire cracker in anticipation of his refusal.

"You..? Pffffffffffft, hahahahaaaa…" His breath started trailing off. "What are you gonna do, have a period on me?" He laughed. That snapped her last thread to sanity, and she threw the fire cracker onto the ground. Cartman's laugh turned into yells of pain as the fire crackers blinded his eyes. She then proceeded to slap him like crazy. She didn't let up, as Cartman tried to fend off the slap-attack by raising his arms. She didn't let up, and slapped him everywhere she could reach.

"Hey-!" he said, trying to speak between the slaps. "Hey-HEY!" Wendy didn't bother stopping. "That-that was in the balls! N-no slapping in the balls!" He shoved her off. She took deep breaths, trying to calm down. Cartman grinned slyly.

"Although I know you liked it." Wendy proceeded to shoulder-ram him straight into the wall. Cartman let out an _oof_ as his breath was driven out. Wendy slammed her arm right across his throat and held him there, shutting him up effectively.

"Listen, fatass. You tell _anybody_ and I will fucking smash your head straight into the school's tether pole, you got it?" She sneered. He nodded, not trusting himself to talk. He had already experienced that once, and it wasn't fun. She snarled and talked in her masked voice.

"Remember what I said, Eric Cartman." She let go and scaled a nearby ladder as Cartman tried to catch his breath. Once he had, only a single thought crossed his mind. _How the heck does she do the voice thing?_

-o-

**Yes. I know that was an unsatisfying Oneshot. I might expand on this, but right now…*yawn***


End file.
